Dirtiest slap ever – Punch Newspapers

Making a soundscape much like locomotive wheels in movement, the fast footfalls of marching prisoners journey past the partitions of Nationwide Prisons, Gashua: “Lef, rai! Lef, rai! Lef, rai!” the warder barks as quite a few ft, rising and falling, left-right, thud the earth in unison, elevating mud.

“A-t-t-e-n-t-i-o-n!” Because the prisoners’ ft come to a simultaneous halt at precisely 7am, out goes electrical energy, like Shakespeare’s transient candle; the nationwide energy grid has collapsed but once more like Russian-Ukraine peace talks.

In Nigeria, energy provide since ex-President Olusegun Obasanjo’s days fluctuates like cow tail swishing at hell-bent flies. Certainly, Nigeria’s energy sector is a black market patronised by successive corrupt governments heartlessly promoting darkness to the citizenry. The ability sector is a on line casino the place no person wins. There’s no gentle on the finish of Nigeria’s tunnel.

“Parade dismissed!” roars Bubu, the chief warder.

Chike walks as much as Adamu, and asks: “The place’s Bayo, the grammarian?” “Hey, have a look at him,” Adamu stated, pointing to a prisoner in white shorts and vest, coming their approach.

The three met in jail. Chike was arrested for ‘wandering’ on the best way again dwelling from his store evening. Bayo, a graduate, was arrested for hawking gas whereas Adamu was arrested for listening to Dan Maraya Jos on his transistor radio with out acquiring a ‘radio allow’.

The hunger-ravaged trio appear like transferring cadavers with their rib bones outlined towards their jail uniforms because the morning wind presses their white-turned-brown vests towards their skeletons.

Adamu: I hear say na Chidinma go bi di new Miss Jail?

Bayo: The place did you hear that information, Adamu de CNN?

Adamu: No bi me dey clear Bubu workplace? I dey hear tori nah. Additionally, I dey take heed to BBC Hausa service earlier than Bubu arrive workplace each morning.

Chike: Wait o, no be Chidinma bi dat college lady wey no dey observe do jail work?

Adamu: Sure nah. You no sabi say one thing dey happun for dis jail?

Bayo: I do know so much is going on. However how do the authorities need the Usifo Ataga household to really feel? It’s mistaken for a high-profile homicide suspect to take part in a magnificence pageant in jail when the case remains to be ongoing. That is able to altering notion.

Chike: Na so di TV CEO go simply die like dat?

Adamu: You no see how Chidinma dey shine like cockroach?

Bayo: It’s not solely Chidinma that’s shining. Can’t you see all these younger girls within the ‘Awaiting Trial’ and ‘Condemned’ sections? However male prisoners skinny like radio antenna.

Chike: Chai, jail na de palace of injustice.

Bayo: Why did you name jail the palace of injustice? The entire of Nigeria is the dominion of injustice! Was Timothy Adegoke, the Obafemi Awolowo College postgraduate scholar, killed in jail? Wasn’t Bamise Ayanwole, the 23-year-old clothier, killed inside a Lagos State-owned bus?

Chike: Oil dey your head, Bayo. Your vibes dey at all times tortori me.

Bayo: Take a look at how the federal government is treating the case of Abba Kyari, the northern rogue in police uniform. I’m a graduate of 16 years, I’ve a grasp’s diploma, however need to accept hawking gas as a result of there’s no job. I do know it’s a dangerous job, however I’ll feed my household. If the federal government made gas obtainable, and didn’t import adulterated gas, there received’t be a have to hawk gas.

Chike: No even discuss dat prison referred to as Kyari. NDLEA don hint N4.2bn to his accounts and people of his deputy, ACP Sunday Ubua, but di authorities open mouth like cow wey prepare jam, dey crawl like chameleon on high di matter.

Adamu: I want I match escape from Nigeria, walahi.

Chike: Na Chad or Niger you wan escape go?

Adamu: Wetin dey for Chad or Niger? Na America I wan go.

(Chike and Bayo giggle)

Chike: Your individuals no dey journey overseas nah.

Adamu: Na as a result of northern leaders no give us schooling nah. Dem don brainwash us to consider say poverty na our inheritance. However who no like higher tin?

Chike: Struggling get degree o. Di struggling for North na A1.

Adamu: In the event you hear wetin I hear for radio right now, you go weak.

Bayo: Adamu and radio! What did you hear?

Adamu: I hear lots music and information.

Chike: Which music did you hear?

Adamu: As I carry my stick throughout my neck dey dance Palaver by Fela Anikulapo-Kuti for inside Bubu workplace, na so Bubu enter o. I cease, however e say no, make I  proceed. Na so I proceed by pressure.

(Chike chuckles, and asks: Wetin come happun)

Adamu: After Palaver, the radio station come dey play extra music wey go annoy Bubu. Dem play Worldwide Thief Thief, Bubu say make I dance am; I dance am. After dat dem play Shuffering and Shmiling; Bubu say make I dance am; I dance am. Dem play Zombie and Basket Mouth which Bubu pressure me to bounce.

Chike: Wetin come happun after you dance all of the music end?

Adamu: Bubu say make I comot my costume like Fela, e come inform 4 warder make dem flog me like terrorist. Silly Bubu, shey na me bi Abami Eda wey sing? Abi no bi fact wey Fela sing?

(Chike and Bayo giggle uncontrollably)

Adamu: As I comot Bubu workplace, I come go officers’ mess.

Chike: These warders no flog you properly.

Bayo: What occurred on the officers’ mess?

Adamu: I’m going there go watch TV to chill off the beating.

Bayo: You want delaying gist; what occurred on the mess?

Adamu: Di slap wey dem give one girl for TV cross the beating wey I obtain.

Chike: Who, why, when, the place, and the way dem give di slap?

Adamu: Which kain JAMB query bi dis? Nicely, na Ebele Obiano, spouse of di rapid previous Anambra governor, Willy Obiano, dem sprint di earthquake slap for Governor Chukwuma Soludo inauguration in Anambra on Thursday.

Chike: Na battalion of troopers giam di slap?

Adamu: No o, na Biafra slap am.

Bayo:  Why are you evasive? How can Biafra slap somebody?

Adamu: Na Bianca, di widow of Biafra warlord, Chukwuemeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu, whooz Ebele di Amadioha slap.

Chike: Chai, na Biafra slap am true true!

Bayo: However that’s disruption of public peace!

Chike: Abeg, no thoughts dis hawking graduate; give me gist, jare. Why Bianca giam di slap?

Adamu: She waka go the place Bianca siddon jeje, go harass and name am ashewo.

Bayo: Actually?

Chike: The place Obiano dey when all dis dey happun?

Adamu: Di man siddon dey watch im spouse present of disgrace. Bianca say na early moh-moh kai-kai dey push Ebele.

Bayo: The PDP devastated Nigeria for 16 years. The APC ruined it in lower than eight years. When Nigerians are pondering different political events may provide hope in 2023, have a look at what APGA is doing? The place lies the nation’s hope?

Adamu: Tori by no means end o. Within the warmth of the scuffle, come see as how one man seize Bianca frontally,  come wrap im hand around the ex-beauty queen like UFC wrestler sake say e dey pacify am. Ha, Ikemba go grumble for heaven o.

Chike: Who commit that touchery?

Adamu: I no sabi o.

Bayo: How will you seize somebody’s widow like dat?

Adamu: I tire o. However Bible discuss say blessed are the peacemakers.

Chike: After dem separate dem, wetin come happun?

Adamu: Ebele go siddon beside her husband.

Chike: Wetin Obiano come do?

Adamu: Obiano no discuss o. Di girl eye Obiano ferociously, like a tigress.

Chike: She wan slap Obiano?

Adamu: Me, I no sabi o; make you go ask EFCC.

Bayo: Why EFCC?

Adamu: Na there oga Obiano dey o.

Chike: However no bi Obiano trigger public nuisance nah. Na di two fighters nah.

Adamu: Na for previous monetary fights wey EFCC arrest am.

Chike: Chai! Governor for morning, cell for evening.

Adamu: Bianca slap na to reset one head however na on a regular basis Buhari dey slap 200m Nigerians with completely different corrupt actions like evacuating Nigerians from Ukraine with $8.5bn when Boeing 737-700 price lower than $90m. Buhari slap na di dirtiest ever. Na we three prisoners symbolise Nigeria wey dey inside chains.